I think one of the things, for me anyway when I lose a loved one is wanting or wishing you had more time. Not knowing that the last time you talked to them would be the last. Not knowing the last time you hugged them would be the last- because if you did you wouldn't have let them go. Not knowing the last time you said I love you would be the last time- you would have made sure they truly knew how much you meant to them. Not knowing the last time you saw them smile would be the last, just to see that smile again. The last time hearing their voice.

The phrase, "Well life gets in the way." Is not a good enough excuse and I hate when those words come out of my mouth. There is always time, you have to make time and make it a priority. Something I am working on myself. Things happen in everyone's lives, and we fall into a routine, and we might think about calling the other person or we meant to call them, but we never made the time to do so.

My sister and I just saw each other for the first time in a long time- too long of a time. The fault wasn't on either one of us- we just always fall into that routine, our whole lives we've done that and now the reality of losing one of our siblings has made us rethink the way we treat our relationship. It's the same with our other siblings and it was the same with Tyler and I. We had an understanding that just because we didn't talk to each other every day, we still knew how important we were to each other and there was no question of doubt. It didn't mean we wrote each other off, it didn't mean I gave up on him- we would text back and forth every so often and that was okay for us. Unfortunately, we didn't live near each other so that makes it difficult to visit but other siblings have the same problem.

I do wish I had more time. One more time to see him, one more time to hold him, one more big hug, one more time to tell him how proud I was of him, one more time to tell him how much I loved him. I know he knew all of that because I told him every time we talked.

I've lost a lot of loved ones and selfishly I thought when I lost Tyler- why am I still here? Why is everyone I love leaving me? It's hard to lose family when you don't have much family left. My biological family has had a rough go of life starting with my parents. Everyone has their demons, and some lost their battle with their demons too young in life. My grandmother on my mother's side died when she was 43. My biological mother died when she was 43. Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to die when I'm 43. I know I won't because I've overcome my past, I made it to the other side.

They say there are five stages of grief but as I lose more loved ones, I think I have become a little numb to it. I hadn't cried in 6 years, after losing my foster mother because nothing would ever be sadder than that day- until the day I lost Tyler. These last few days I've cried a lot and I forgot how good it is for you to get it out, but my stages of grief are different now. As much as I would love to stay in bed all day crying, I can't because I can't fall into another depression, I know that won't be healthy and it might just break me, and I know that's not what Tyler would want me to do. I've learned along the way that you need to take your time- deal with the loss in your own way, and everyone deals with death differently. There is no wrong way, unless you are planning on harming yourself. That's not the answer, and that's not what your loved one would want.

My way of grieving is finding songs to help me flow through my emotions- I need to feel it, otherwise that's when I fall into a deep depression because I'm trying not to deal with my feelings. I look at photos of them- remembering every memory of them. I take a drive- most of the time I'm bawling my eyes out to sad songs but that's okay. I share my memories with friends and family. Our loved ones live on through our memories, it's important to remember and share those memories with others. After my foster mother died, I wanted to do something for her, to help others so I started Judy's Bags of Hope for cancer patients. I'd like to find a way to do something like that for Tyler. I also celebrate her birthday every year eating ribs, mac n cheese and cake- her favorite meal. Tyler loved the outdoors so maybe ever year on his birthday I will get out in nature and hike a trail and of course have a slice of birthday cake. As days pass it might not get easier, but as years pass the pain gets less and less. Just because we continue living our lives doesn't mean we loved them any less or that we aren't grieving properly. When Judy died, my foster mother who in my eyes was my mom. When she died, I wanted the whole world to stop turning. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I cried every minute of every day, and I could not function. I drank my feelings away, which started a bad relationship between wine and I. But little by little it got easier to get out of bed, it got easier to go to work and some days I cried less, and then one day I didn't cry, and I felt so guilty, but I know she wouldn't want me living my life the way I was. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't grieving enough.

That is all for now, I have a lot of uploading to do- my sister and I found a ton of pictures of Tyler so I'm going to upload them to my computer and make a collage to have at his funeral.